It being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am going to share about my grandmother. I always find myself getting antsy around the anniversary of her death because I still miss her voice. It would be an injustice to say I simply miss her; it is much more than that. I have recognized throughout the years that I appreciate her even more now than before, even though my past self would have thought that impossible. I am still dealing with her passing with as minimal effort as possible. I still have her number in my phone and her address in my book, I can’t delete either. (I know what you’re thinking, she still uses a phone book?!)

As my family and I have continued to grow without her physical presence. I feel her spiritually in everything we do, every milestone, and every snag.  I find her at that in between space where you are in the current moment and the fog of a memory. The times I find the strength to stand up for who I am, I feel her presence. I watch my daughters as they live her legacy in being strong independent women in not requiring anyone to complete them, they alone make themselves happy  -something I am constantly working on- I have found, in the family I have created, I am witness to a family bond and loyalty that she would be proud of. It has an unwritten understanding that regardless of “issues” we are and always will be family. I see in my son, the deepest of family bonds.….at times, this fact alone brings me to the point of tears and reminds me most of her -like her he has the consistency of a marshmallow, for his family on the inside- I and my family are complete BECAUSE of her being in our lives, supporting us, pushing us in the most loving way possible. The woman made it look so easy and would tell you a negative in such a way that it was heard as a positive.

My grandmother never complained about her cancers -she had more than one diagnosis in her lifetime the first diagnosis, which slowly spread, was breast cancer. I lived on the east coast when she had one breast removed and then eventually the augmentation. I still remember the sick feeling in hearing the news from my mom. In my lifetime I don’t recall her ever talking about the procedure or any of the discomfort it may have caused in her life. We had weekly talks on Sundays and I only heard her, as I always did, asking how WE were. Always wanting to simply hear about my day and talk to Hauss and the kids. I would just spew my days since we last talked and she would always to tell me her thoughts, give advice or tell me how proud she was of me and the life I was making. Post-surgery was full of as much love, as always, only I could hear her tone was a bit fainter then the last. We never actually talked about “it” she was a proud – stubborn- woman which meant she never acknowledged any questions concerning her cancer. There was an understanding though and she knew when I told her I was proud of her, exactly what I meant. We would hang up and I would cry, not in self-pity, in absolute gratitude….I had a complicated mother growing up and was given a grandmother to make up for that fact.

There were days I would talk to my grandmother about my mother, her daughter and she was always empathetic. In understanding my pain, she also explained it away without ever choosing a side. I could not love her more for that nor could I be more grateful in knowing how carefully she was laying the groundwork for me to understand just why and when I myself was ready to grow.

People often mistake the quiet, private person. I am drawn to this personality, I don’t misunderstand it to be judgmental or introverted. I see it as life’s a way of telling us this person has their own story, but it can only be heard by those willing to be still and listen.