In the past year, like most people, life has been a balance of highs and lows.

My husband still grieves the loss of his father, there behind that smile is a wonder of what would’ve been if only things had been different. I see him hold his own children closer, he does not want them to experience the same loss he did. It is bittersweet to see him want to be better with the family we created and knowing  he won’t ever be able to with the one he came from. It is something to see, the silent and violent twisting of your husbands realization that life was not as great as he had thought. In knowing that it can not be a fixed. It leaves you feeling defeated. My husband isn’t a man who shares emotions freely, this makes it especially difficult to watch, knowing there is nothing I can do to ease any of the pain. It also goes without saying that he is a resilient man and will get through without anyone knowing his struggles. I married him because of his strength and so many other endearing qualities, but mostly strength because opening the lids on jars is tough guys.

My oldest daughter continues to grow up and out of the family. It is a right of passage and I’m sure she hasn’t a clue my rising fear of abandonment is even happening. I watch her with such caution, as it is a emotion I have no familiarity with, abandonment. It often leaves me feeling paralyzed. I do know of course, this is paranoia, and none of my colorful ideas of her not needing me make about as much sense as eating corn on the cob without butter…..pure madness.

My middle child is rounding her sophomore year of college and, during this visit, it has been made clear she is already in the drivers seat of life. I was not at all prepared for such a difference in climate from last years visit as a freshman and this years….did I mention I have an issue with this?

My youngest, a Junior in High School, the boy; is pulling away with the strength David used to beat Goliath. It is gods cruel joke to have given me a son to be the last chick in the nest. It is also why I am on a first name basis with the clerk at the liquor store, clench my teeth and tend to be defensive while talking about anything because…

He. Is. Always. Right….ALWAYS

Having said all of this, I still have a full house. I am most grateful when all my kids are in one place. I have a sense of completeness, when [if] the chaos settles; I reflect on all the broken that also made us whole. I am reminded that we are a close clan of craziness that only we understand, and that is ever all the matters. We are a reflection of imperfection and purest of love with just a sprinkle of mamas “special sauce” they have always allowed me that, even though I complain. I’m just not clear why I have not adopted another child to help fill the void. I mean all three at one time is an egregious WTF moment, if ever there was one. In the moments I spent creating my life plan, I failed to load up on the power to digest this delicious piece of realistic pie perfectly crusted in heartbreak.

In closing, I hope 2017 brings many more phone calls from my kids. I hope the year tics by slowly and that the progression of every crazy moment there are more crazy good ones to create balance. You can bet I will remind them of the tally, should the opportunity arise.

Enjoy your last moments of 2016 and don’t make any resolutions, just keep true to who you are, resolutions are seldom kept and often fabricated from an idea and not a purpose.